To me attention was the form of love I was seeking, and lead me down the path of my eating disorder 

If I was skinny enough, then people would like me, maybe even love me… 

If I was achieving more academically, or in life then maybe my dad would take more of an interest in me 

If I was stronger, more sporty, and more confident, maybe I would attract a guy that would want to be with me

I placed my self-worth in the hands of everyone around me, and gave my power away, and it led me down a dark battle with my mental health (a story I hope to feel confident to share one day).

This constant lack of belief in my worth followed me everywhere I went. In some ways it was a powerful motivator to be better, to strive to achieve more. I can see now how the belief that ‘I am not good enough’ was trying to serve me… But man, it was not the best way to go about it. 

In believing that I needed others’ love and approval to be worthy, it meant that I could never be happy within myself, I had to keep pushing myself to the point of extremes and my all or nothing mindset was consuming. 

I began thinking I was either a complete success (which didn’t last long) or an utter failure. You see that’s the thing in giving your power away and relying on those around you for approval and love… what can be given can just as quickly be taken away. 

Not only that, but it doesn’t run as deep, it’s short lived and before you know it, you are back in the same cycle repeating the same patterns that drive you to seek external validation from others.